Daily Dose of pessimism.

It's almost 6:30 in the morning, and my curtains are practically inexistent, although not visually, so the dim sunlight creeps into my room giving it a modest brightness, too bright for the dawn. At 6:45, the alarm rings, 'Peace Train' from Cat Stevens, plays out in an attempt to wake me up. I swipe up and snooze the alarm. The snooze cycle would go on for an hour till 7:30 AM. I wake up tired even after a nice 8-hour sleep and a few inexplicable dreams. My puffy eyes and frozen brain cells collide perfectly as I run my palm across the slab in my bathroom, in an attempt to find my toothpaste and toothbrush. Honestly, I often wonder- I'm living the dream life of every 21-year-old. Everything until now is perfect, everything is happening just the way I want it to. 

I squeezed the toothpaste from its tube rather aggressively, onto my toothbrush, and began brushing my pearly whites. It's mostly in idle times like these, that I get stuck in this vicious cycle of thoughts. 

Thoughts like- 'How can I channel my energy into something cool?' or something like 'How do I figure out what to do next?' All these thoughts converge to a point where I would convince myself to believe how big a failure I am in life.

'You just make reasons to chastise yourself ruthlessly.' one of my friends says literally every single day.

'Learn to Appreciate yourself, once in a while.' some of them would say.

'Bro, You kidding?' the others would giggle as they say.

Okay guys, let me tell you exactly how I feel-

I'm walking happily in a beautiful orchard- colorful and fresh as it should be. I find a 4-year-old kid, probably the son of the caretaker running towards me. I admire the scenery past the barbed-wire fence of the orchard and the little butterflies and honey bees seeking refuge in the beautiful flowers. The dew drops from the morning have started to go away and the sun shone brightly over the beautiful orchard. That's when the 4-year-old kid punched right in my crotch and a honeybee stung right into my eyes.

Hope you get it. Life is all fantastic, beautiful, YOLO, and all that crap. But still, you gotta accept the fact that it sucks big time. Where are we running? What are we running for? Is there an end to it?

Life isn't a scripted, well-planned drama but an inevitable journey from the abyss to the abyss. A journey from nothingness to nothingness. No one has got anything to hide, no one has got anything to prove. No one's got anything that he or she could claim they own, no one's got anything to lose. In fact, none of us even exist practically.

I am an extremely short-tempered person, which really sparks a wild concern among everyone for me.

Potentially everything around me could raise my temper and there was a point where I woke up angry, remained angry all day, and slept angrily. So much that my eyebrows were so used to being in an awkward angry position. The triggers might range from a forgivable yet irritable remark to something extremely worse. No matter what the intensity of the trigger is, my voice would raise like the graph of a Zener Diode, just straight up. One demeaning remark and my pen would be on the floor and my book tumbling down, and my eyebrows recognize the situation and realize it's time for them to get into a weird shape. 

All this ended when I asked myself one question- 'Who am I? & What am I doing?'

I know you might be thinking, 'Bro don't tell me you gained some enlightenment after that.'

I gained nothing really, I still have my temper issues but it has reduced to a surprisingly massive extent.

I haven't gained any sort of enlightenment, but there is some clarity now. I guess I'm in the process of mastering the art of 'Chuck-it & move-on!' kind of a phenomenon.

The weariness of not being able to comprehend the intentions of nature is definitely something everyone is aware of. No one knows what's in store for us, the possibilities of what would happen in the very next moment are endless. 

You might be on your bed, holding your mobile phone and reading this article with concentration. You might either fall in love with someone in the next hour or fall off the building the next hour. INEVITABLE. So it's better to wait and be patient and watch what's in store for us because anyways if things pivot in the wrong direction, the impact would be significantly lesser.

I slipped in my ID card, casually ending my marathon of thoughts, and put on an optimistic and crazy persona as I walked out of my apartment silently. Hiding the true emotions, insecurities, and desperations behind a mask of optimism. A thick layer of Sanguinity over Insanity.