An Extrovert in Silence & Solitude.

The best part about being observant about your own life is that you can watch yourself change as the time passes. You witness different versions of yourself, you witness your hard work, the consequent successes, and uneventful downfalls and successes again. It's the cycle of life, more than life, it's the cycle of your state of mind. Your state of mind in turn plays a major role in carving your life.

I'm an ardent extrovert and I possess a 'positive yet eccentric energy' as mentioned by a lot of my friends. Being an extrovert, the entire lockdown scenario, the online classes, and the forced solitude took an immense toll on my mental health. My parents were in a different country all through this COVID-19 period, and staying with my grandparents is not as easy as it sounds. After a month, all the relatives would start talking about how a fully grown adult stays at home and troubles their grandparents. A few times, I've heard my relatives remark about this indirectly. It was hard indeed. At times, I just yearned to meet new people and talk to them for hours at once, but in a village-like mine, you'd seldom meet a person interested in a small talk with an outsider (if you consider) like me. I couldn't let out the energy that was stuck inside me, for months. A youtube channel that had constant growth, ended in an unexpected verbal spat within the family which disturbed me for a few months. I have been stuck within the four walls of my room again, without much contact with the outside world.  By this time, Online classes had started and were going in a full swing. I began working hard, to maintain good scores in the examinations. But after the first exam, I was deceived by the fact that everyone gets the same score in the online examination. Being a passionate student who has been faring really well in his examinations offline, this was hard to digest. The happy element and the challenging element of my life were snatched away from me. Whenever there is any gathering of family members at home or any function, I'd let the energy out by performing impersonations and showcasing a dance performance and I'd also write blogs and was consistent in posting poetry- all of it was just to let that excessive energy out of my body.

An Extrovert in Silence & Solitude:

In this age of Social Media and Virtual Extravaganza, It's rare to find people who can indulge in good conversation with everyone. I'm proud yet humbled to be gifted with the ability to have good and memorable conversations with people. I'm often complimented for my conversation skills and friendly personality in the public arena. While receiving compliments in today's world, I might deny or acknowledge them with humility, but deep inside, it fuels me and makes me alive once again. Despite all this, I've had very- very few friends. I thrive in a public space, I'm the happiest when I'm with people, who like to talk to me and who listen to me as well. People who know me, usually startle at the fact that I feel lonely for the most part of the day. It's hard for me to make them understand the situation.

It's not that I'm unhappy, but when an extrovert feels lonely, he/she develops tonnes of self-doubt. 

*shrugs the shoulder* Am I not fun enough?

*with a tiny smile* Am I not worth being around?

Maybe I'm a boring person. *chuckles*

Every day, I spot my Instagram friends posting pictures of them with friends exploring beautiful places in and around India. Few others, post pictures of the fun activities happening in their universities.  I wish one day, I would experience how it feels hanging out with good friends, and I wish very soon I'd be able to perform in front of my college friends and make them laugh at my impressions, or dance with me to the beat of the music, or listen intently to the poetry I write from my heart. 

I'm reminded of a song from the legendary Bob Dylan which says-

'How does it feel? To be on your own.

No direction home. Like a complete unknown.'

How does it feel to go on unexpected tours with friends? How do parties feel, because I've never really been to parties all my life? Is there a life beyond competition for success in our respective careers?

As I write this blog, I smile to myself, locked up in my room. Scrolling through the stories on Instagram and watching fascinating stories while arranging and rearranging my cupboard for the third time today. By now, I've learned to enjoy my own company without friends or anyone. The examinations being online this semester have played an amazing role in my aggravating my temporary sorrow. At this point, I won't mind going to movies alone, going to restaurants alone, going for walks alone plugging my earphones, and chugging a tiny can of coke while doing all this. 

Anyways, Good Day Readers, and I hope you all the very best! ;)