A tale of Humiliation & Insecurities.

It was a normal day in mid-2012. All of us were writing our own stories based on a prompt given by our English teacher. The teacher began reading the stories one by one, from one desk to the other, intently reading and sticking those little golden stars on a few amazing writings. It was amazing looking at those students flaunting the stars to everyone. Their face was stiff with the smile. I sat there, hoping to get the star, keeping my book open. Finally, it was my turn, Forget the stars, my English teacher was disappointed with my work. She said-  'Look at how all your friends have written, and look at you. Write again!'. The entire class laughed at the comment. It was humiliating. That December, I found a 365-page diary. I practiced writing, I wrote my own 150 page-story as an 11-year-old. I got back to school being a better writer. Over the years, I've written lots of short stories that I wish to publish as a collection one day and countless poems that I've been posting on my Instagram handle. Thank you humiliation for being a driving force.

Men and Women all around the world are facing some kind of humiliation for something they may or may not be able to control. This humiliation leads to some kind of snowball effect leading to something called Insecurity. I mean, Insecurities and Fake Social media are just one absolute fuck-up to your mental health. A 5'3 man aspires to become a 6' individual, while the 6' individual is done being so tall, and wishes to be short. A person who has been doing calisthenics thinks weight lifting is amazing, and the other way around. My readers, Grass is always green on the other side. It's humane to compare yourself with others, but it is inhumane to penalize yourself for something you can never control. 

If insecurity and imposter syndrome had a face, It's going to look like mine. I'm so done with myself, that I'd blame myself for the global warming crisis. I mean, not exactly but you get the idea right? Many men like me who feel left out all the time, have this bad habit of seeking validation. Yes, We find it gratifying when our work is validated. That's why I feel great while delivering a speech or performing an impersonation, or getting good scores in an exam offline. It's humane to seek validation, but it is inhumane to force validation. 

A beautiful morning, in the 7th grade. We had a teacher who was the epitome of discrimination. It was weird when we found out that she usually mocks, punishes, and corners the students that hail from South India. It was hard for us to believe in the beginning, but as the days passed, we started noticing it clearly. She used to mock South Indians for our English Accent while giving the other lot enough consideration. It felt unjust. Once, I had missed out on preparing for elocution. I freaked out when got to know that the elocution was on that day. I immediately referred to a poem in my English Textbook and began preparing. Back then, I have to agree, I wasn't a good speaker. The idea of delivering a speech in front of the class makes me nervous. Finally, after a lot of striking speeches, It was my turn. As I began delivering the speech, my nervousness took the entire control of me. I began stuttering helplessly. The teacher mocked me again, this time it was extremely humiliating. 'Stop acting crazy', she stood up after having a hearty laugh at my inability to speak and said something like that. On the same day, When her favorite student couldn't deliver a speech or recite a poem, he was given another chance the following week. Nowadays every time I stand in front of the mic, I think about my teacher in the 7th grade. Who mocked me repeatedly for my inability to speak properly. As I hold the mic confidently, without a frown on my face, but with a smile. I think again- Thank you humiliation for being a driving force.

Everyone around us expects us to be a certain kind of way. They expect us to behave in a certain way. When Mark Zuckerberg started Facebook in his late teens, It had given birth to this pressure for an entire generation to succeed in their late teens or early twenties. I've seen kids less than 10 years of age, including my brother, learning about Arduinos, Electronics, and Multisim software that is usually 'taught' in engineering (Self-Taught). I mean, there was a competition, where I saw a 7-year-old doing Arduino codes. These young people might have other ideas, some must have been musical pop stars, a poet, an artist, a sports stars if this field wasn't forced into him/her. I mean, Lmao! I have no clue where the world is going. The children are chained to expectations, and if they can't meet those colossal expectations of the people around them- They would fall into a vicious cycle of depression at a very-very young age. 

They might be good at everything else, but being bad at just one thing and letting everyone down on that ONE thing would make them feel like they are a colossal failure and incapable of doing anything great. They would have to live with pointless insecurities for the rest of their lives.

It was a hectic January of 2019. The CBSE board exams, the JEE, and the other crap shit entrance examinations were around the corner. We had a Mathematics test, which included the chapters Differential Equations, Matrix, and Determinants. The question slips were passed on and we wrote the test. In two hours, we got the scores. I was one of the lowest in my class. A startling 3/10. I didn't know why, despite investing a lot of time in my studies, I just couldn't score well.

'Anirudh, You might be good at Mimicry, Acting, Dance and Making music and everything else. But Studies you are nothing but zero. You should do something about it.' My maths teacher said, moving her head side to side in disappointment. This created a huge impact on me, I tried my level best during the board examinations as well, but I couldn't get past 75%. Months passed, I got into an university and I was pursuing Mechatronics. I saw the look at my father's eyes on the day he left me at the hostel. It was tired yet with hope, and that Hope brought tears into my eyes. That hope became a driving force. Our Engineering Mathematics-1 portion was just the 12th grade portions all over again. I was determined to work extremely hard. I woke up at 5:50 AM every morning and did as many sums as I could, came back from college and shut myself from the rest of the world and worked as much as I could. In my mind, 'But Studies you are nothing but zero. You should do something about it.', this line kept echoing. I wanted to prove her wrong, in fact, I wanted to prove myself wrong. I gave 200% of my effort in my studies without compromising even the slightest. I ended up getting a mind boggling 98% for Mathematics.

I thought to myself, It was the same portions and the same level of questions, why couldn't I score like this in my 12th grade. It was just that little drive because of the little humiliation. It was that little fire that woke me up at 5:50 AM every morning, it was the hope that I saw in my dad's eyes, that made me solve each and every mathematics question I could find. It was the validation I seeked from myself, to prove that I ain't a loser anymore. 

Everytime I seek stand in front of a mic, with a smile and deliver a speech or perform. Everytime my writing content or poetry gets feautured somewhere. Everytime I confidently solve a maths problem in engineering. I just whisper to myself- Thank you Humiliation for being a driving force.