Being a Protagonist

Let me take you on a tiny trip down memory lane before we get into the content. A trip, where every incident makes its contribution to your life, makes you grow as a person, sometimes breaks you, disappoints you- but all this is part of growth. We tend to get afraid of the future, we fear failure and maybe remorse. On random occasions, memories from our pasts would appear in flashes, which could strengthen a bond, revive a lost fear, or even feel like a tear-jerking moment from a feel-good classic. May it be the love, the fear, or even that drop of tear that rolls down those perfect cheeks of yours that carries way too many meanings.  Recently when I was scrolling through Instagram, I came across a content that read- 'Maturity is when you stop being excited about vacations', pretty simple and generic Instagram content, isn't it?

Imagine that you are a ten-year-old, You return home unbutton your uniform, fling the bag on the armchair, and flick the shoes to one corner of the room. Get hold of the remote of the TV, with your school uniform on and your parents, would be bugging you to go take a shower, get into the right clothes. But in your mind, you are just excited that for the next month or so, you needn't think about anything and can live your life on your own terms. The next day, you might wake up around 9, and sluggishly drag yourself to the living room and grab the remote, and switch on the television- No questions asked, Parents, won't bug you. Just you and the television, with cartoons like Kid Vs Kat, Phineas, and Ferb, Tom and Jerry tales in the morning to Takeshi's Castle, FAQ, and MAD late into the night. You have no responsibilities, you have no worries about your life.

Now imagine that you are a handsome/beautiful twenty-year-old, You return home from your university/ workplace excited about the 1 week holiday that you have, you return home tired and stinking in sweat after having a long day. Fall into the armchair, carelessly, and fall into sleep, effortlessly when the night is young. You wake up in the middle of the night and find yourself wearing good clothes, this time you sluggishly walk into your room, and change (Parent's won't bug you for that this time!). Once you slip into those comfy tees and sweat pants, you fall off and sleep on your bed. The next day, you wake up to a few unread texts, you wake up to a few missed calls, maybe you would be tagged in some post, maybe you would wake up to the horror of losing your snap streaks. Maybe your best friend has just posted a pic of themselves in the movies, and you feel like a couch potato not being able to get off the comforts of your bedroom. You switch on the television, grab a coffee, and keep switching channels jumping from the quick news to some pointless Naaptol ads, to some random channel and then you are done with the television- you'd rather be on youtube and scroll aimlessly on Instagram.

Ten years huh? Ten years of your life have changed you so much. From being patient and watching the same channel all day irrespective of the number of ads and crazy stuff that pops to not being able to sit in a place and tolerate a single ad (which could be skipped in 5 seconds). All of us have grown up, without us knowing it. Everything that happened, each and every bit of it has contributed to the good and bad in us, obviously everyone has two sides- a good and a bad side, which clearly needs to be balanced instead of trying to shun it. I'm pretty sure, few of you would have scrolled to the end of the blog before even starting to read it and would have said to themselves - 'Oh man! Too Long!'. 

Recently, I was clueless about what could be done to improve my life for the better, and certain personal problems triggered an immense anxiety issue. I could feel my heart come out of me, pumping in and pumping out. I called up my father when I couldn't hold myself content- 

"Shall I consult a therapist?" I asked, helplessly.

"Go for a walk instead. Leave behind your mobile phone, when you go for the walk." He said instantly, followed by a few heartwarming things. That's when I realized the impact speaking to my parents had on me. I understood, my dad, was my therapist and I could seek advice in various fields of life from him beginning with emotional well-being, career, relationship, and even doubts about my engineering subject.  

A day or two after this incident, I blamed my parents for not giving me more freedom as a kid, to which my parents chose not to respond, and a few minutes later, When my dad was talking about making choices and decisions in life, I shunned him by saying- 'If you made the right choices in life, you wouldn't have been stuck in the role of a manager for the past 10 years.', my dad chose not to respond to this claim also, but this statement that I made kept me up all night long thinking and beating myself up for even saying something like this. I remember my father returning home and talking about the jobs that were offered to him, which included the position of a Vice President in a reputed company to a role of a project manager with a higher paycheque- and I also remember him setting all those aside so that we wouldn't have to move to a different place and in turn wouldn't affect my studies in my senior years at school, so it was pretty messed up about me to talk ill about his choices, instead of respecting the immense sacrifices he had made so that I could live a better life and build a better career. Similarly, I remember my mom, leaving her work when she was at its peak with numerous registrations into her classes, and came to me so that I needn't suffer in a hostel in my 12th grade. So blaming them is pretty much a Hitler move from my side. 

My life changed the moment I became a 10-year-old, I come home from school to an infant who looked extremely cute and tiny, and I spend the rest of my day with him- My brother. I remember that night when my parents were busy cooking in the kitchen. The 10-year old me, carried my brother along the hallway, with his chubby cheeks pressed against my shoulder and me patting his shoulder in an attempt to make him fall asleep. Half an hour later, I could feel his drool over my t-shirt and breath rhythmic- I knew he had slept off. I felt proud, that I have finally managed to make my baby, fall asleep. I felt like a grown-up for once, although I was a 10 year old. From that to staying up with me at night and talking nonstop about Spiderman, Sinister six, and listening to epic mixes of his favorite songs at night and talking about his interest in campfires- I knew I had been a good brother, and felt proud of this brilliant boy that I've brought up, and I felt like I've really grown up strangely when I noticed my brother with a headset and listening to the same song in a loop.

I consider myself to be a very creative person who loves to be alive, converse with people and travel around wearing extremely loose-fitting clothes, explore science and technology in the process, reading books, listening to music live, free from the judgments of the world than being in a cubicle, adjusting my tie under a big blast of Air conditioning right over my head, and coding all day long with a Lo-fi Spotify playlist running in the background, rethinking about the decisions that you've made fearing the judgment of your friends and relatives *clicks tongue* never wanna be in that vicious cycle. Yes, I love science and I adore science just the way I adore art and music- but I would rather choose a life where art and science would go hand in hand rather than choosing just one of them. This is the reason why I appear nerdy to non-nerds and I appear non-nerdy to nerds. I would love to write more imagining adventures, love stories, comics, and whatnot. Writing a story with me as a protagonist is just insanely therapeutic to me, especially while being stuck in the room for days without being able to go out (Considering my extroversion!). 

Life is so much better when you just let things happen the way they should and not try to control them. Life is so much better when you respect and be grateful for the people that you have, your parents, your friends, your siblings, your partner, your teachers. Life is so much better if you stop fearing judgments, isn't it? Right now, I'm thinking about how the fear of judgment and embarrassment has made my life horrible lmao! 

Life is so much better when you live life the way you want it to be. I want to be around eager students discussing physics and engineering with me, even if I get paid less- I would be the happiest man. Oftentimes, Relatives pose this question to you-

"So what plans after undergraduate?" they ask, as they place the cup of tea on the table with a clink.

"I'm... uh.. planning to be a teacher, professor types!" I respond.

At that moment, you could see the disappointment in their faces or sometimes even a sly smile.

"Teacher-ah?" they ask with terror and a mixture of multiple emotions.

"Yeah, Teacher," I say, this time, a bit more confident.

"You studied engineering to become teacher-ah?", they've started spreading tabasco sauce on me.

"Yeah," I say sounding cheerful.

"For that, you could have studied arts know, why waste your parent's money on engineering?" 

And folks they have started grilling me on high flame.

This would happen to everyone, in every situation. Human beings have this tendency to compare and contrast their life with others and feel terrible about themselves. That's why Sharmaji's son still exists in today's world. I compare myself with others in every aspect of my life, which just has a very terrible impact on me, which makes me love myself less- and hence I'd taken an oath, that I am the ideal person in my own world, and I am the protagonist of my life (I don't have the Truman show syndrome!). This is a very forced decision but has made me love myself a bit more than before.

So, be a protagonist in your own life and stop setting unrealistic standards set by people. Mark Zuckerberg founded Facebook at 19 and became a billionaire at 23, which doesn't mean all of us to have to become whiz kids. On the other hand, at the grand canyon of failure at the age of 65, a man shot to the pinnacle of success with a delicious recipe for fried chicken and an even delicious recipe of hope. Success is subjective, if being a billionaire is your definition of success, you shall be.

if having the most wonderful family is a success, you shall be.

If showing up at the reunion, with a 1000 dollar suit and a rolce Royce is a success, you shall be.

If showing up at a reunion, happy and passionate even though you are not rich enough according to the social standards but still living your life on your own terms is a success, then you shall be one.

So unrealistic standards and the struggle to meet them, make you reconsider your entire life, inflating and sulking on those tiny wrong decisions that you've made. Blaming your existence instead of celebrating it. Sitting on a dark corner of your room, with a tear-dried cheek, pretending to be stuck in life instead of doing a mini Finite Element Analysis on your problem, discretizing it into tiny parts and solving each of it- as a result solving it and getting a beautiful matrix and nothing but solutions. 

The protagonist, not the hero, but the protagonist, an average human with talents, flaws, skills, stupidity, with emotions, with LIFE, is what is necessary. Your capability to improve in the field that you love, without worrying about how it would turn out in the future leads to nothing but your definition of success. I've told you what my definition of success means, would be grateful if you could tell me what your definition of success is in the comments. I'm grateful that you've read this, and I hope the best and only the best for you with all my heart.