It could have been Different.

Everything looks pleasing, heavenly, and funny in retrospection, even the time you cried to sleep, a pillow over which your face sunk in grief. Moments that you believed could be better, though it would have been the worst ever phase of your life. Haha! I remember the JEE coaching, and the humongous amount of books they shoved down my throat the very first month in the coaching center. I was the over-confident guy out there. New school, New Friends, New environment, It looked majestic at first. The old White and Red walls, of my alma mater, although it didn't look pleasing at first had a tinge of ancient culture it held on to, it had the essence. 

The school hadn't started, but the IIT coaching had already fueled up and zoomed out of the pitstop. Over-Enthusiastic at the multiple physics equations and the tiresome chemistry diagrams of the benzene ring. The name-sake division of an already exhausting Chemistry into Physical/Organic and Inorganic Chemistry. A mathematics tutor from IIT ironically was the coolest of the lot, he was in his late 20's and spoke about the fun they had in the IIT Campus and the web-series he had been watching. He was everyone's favorite and kept the class engaged nonetheless, he was an excellent mathematics Tutor.

It didn't take much time for me to realize, I was nothing but a failure. My friends, although even they have been struggling, got exponentially better scores than me. The entire aspect of being a failure in a class of intellects pushed me deeper into darkness.

I remember I carried an H.C.Verma's Concept of Physics book along with me hoping to get better scores by solving them. I solved them, multiple times, tried incorporating various approaches to a single problem, and succeeded in solving them in solitude. But not in the pressurized exam halls.

I can't help but tell, I'm afraid of judgments. I imagine people judging me in various moments and change certain decisions accordingly. A tiny grin appears on my face as I write this, as I told you before- Everything looks funny in retrospection. 

Few months into the already ruined 2017, the school had started operation, and I moved into the hostel. Being an NRI, I led a comfortable lifestyle, my parents supporting me 24/7 and helping me make wise decisions. The dungeon-like dormitory seemed suffocating. I couldn't talk to my parents like I used to since Mobile phones were not allowed. We had a telephone, and my parents had to try dialing and redialing for hours and hours to get connected for barely five minutes. It was hell, and I was a rotting slice of dead meat in it.

The IIT coaching had already drained confidence, and very soon the school made sure my land of self-confidence had gone through the greatest drought in the millennium. My marks were low both in school and the coaching class. Literally Low. I barely passed. I had never been this big a failure ever before. Until then, I considered 75% a very bad mark. But after moving to the new school- I realized 75% was a mark that could keep me alive, Although, I wasn't ready to live anymore. Every night, I would pray that I should wake up dead and cold. I had no gratitude, the morning I wake up and my dorm-mates scream about the Idly and Sambar we were going to eat at the Mess.

Following many depressive events and a heart-breaking report card, I evaluated my scores. I got a 57% in my school and barely managed to get a positive mark in the coaching exams (Many times it was 4/360, not exaggerating). Although, I began placing tiny bets to myself, to predict how I would fare in life. It was miserable. I cried at night, and the rest of the day, my eyes were puffy and watery. My health deteriorated drastically, and my weight fell to a mere 52 Kg. The nights weren't pleasing, I considered myself deceiving my parents. They had a lot of hope in me, and I let them down unforgivably. All through the phase of my depression, I was kept happy by a genius man, who was more like a brother to me than a tutor- Sanjiv Sir, My physics tutor at the coaching. He used to stay late in class to give special attention to me. He once threw away a disk, because I highlighted myself as a loser in it. Sanjiv sir taught me how to smile in situations and how physics could solve every problem. 

He used to tell- Keep calm and Do Physics. His vaguely Indianized accent and a smile that radiated positivity inspired me a lot and a time when I chose solitude over a party.

I felt comfortable telling everything about myself to him, while all the other faculty considered me an inexistent pest in their coaching center, Only Sanjiv sir considered me a Human and respected my passion. He used to repeat concepts multiple times for me to understand and would not hesitate to reteach a whole topic. We spend a lot of time, sitting along the parapet of the coaching center hours after class with him motivating me. That was the only time, I felt like a topper. His "Tell Yes or No!", still echoes in my ear and will continue to echo every time I encounter any sum related to Fluid Mechanics, Rigid Body Dynamics, or Kinematics. Sanjiv sir was mocked by everyone in the coaching center for his over-energetic actions, English phrases, and accent. But to me, Sanjiv sir was a savior who saved me from taking away my own life. No matter what, Sanjiv sir and Physics would always have my gratitude and respect.

Drastic changes happen to everyone, just like how it happened to me. From an over-confident boy to a suicidal and depressive failure wasn't an easy task for me. It was a path, filled with experience and pain.

The former overshadows the latter, as I look at the past today.

My teary eyes, slender body, and messy hair are now a thing of the past. A time that gave me the pain that ruined my late-teens. But it has fed in the process of my maturity. It has paved an extra-ordinary path in my decisions and thought process. 

When life is out of control, keep your calm and do what you love. In my case, I would smile and study hard. What would you do?😉